Ave Maria (MatsuRyo One shot)
Feb. 1st, 2015 06:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yukitsubute posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
sky_no_yukiTitle: Ave Maria
Pairing/Group: Matsumoto Jun/ Nishikido Ryo
Rating: R – just to be safe.
Warnings: Cutting, depressions…yeah, it’s angsty…but with a happy end.
Notes: I wrote that piece two years ago, a short time before going on hiatus. It was for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
je_holiday exchange. I never posted it in my journal, so here it is.
Beta: I hope I remember right....![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sweetspicyhot
Summary: When darkness surrounds you, you normally find a way out, but if there’s no way to find the light at the end of the tunnel you try to find a way to feel that you are alive.
Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
Dominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus
Et benedictus fructus ventris
Ventris tuae, Jesus.
Ave Maria
Pairing/Group: Matsumoto Jun/ Nishikido Ryo
Rating: R – just to be safe.
Warnings: Cutting, depressions…yeah, it’s angsty…but with a happy end.
Notes: I wrote that piece two years ago, a short time before going on hiatus. It was for the
je_holiday exchange. I never posted it in my journal, so here it is.Beta: I hope I remember right....
sweetspicyhotSummary: When darkness surrounds you, you normally find a way out, but if there’s no way to find the light at the end of the tunnel you try to find a way to feel that you are alive.
Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
Dominus tecum
Benedicta tu in mulieribus
Et benedictus
Et benedictus fructus ventris
Ventris tuae, Jesus.
Ave Maria
The music echoed in the dark room. It was dusty as if the window hadn’t been open in weeks. The curtains were closed. Only a small light was dancing on the floor. It didn't light the room, but it was enough to see the shadows.
He was lying on the floor, his eyes closed. He only listened to the music. Melancholic mood - it was what he loved. He concentrated on the pain - the terrible pain in his body. He should have been afraid of it, but he loved this feeling. Everything else in him was numb. His soul was frozen - or maybe it was already dead and that’s why he didn't feel it anymore.
He rubbed the small pieces, which were lying next to him, between his fingers. He felt the cuts, but he didn't care about it. He started loving the feeling of pain. It was his ritual each day he came home from work. He took the razor blades he had bought and cut them into little pieces. He placed everything on the towel he had on his floor.
The music was the most important part of his ritual. It was always the same song he chose. He took off his shirt and lay on the ground, his hand brushing over the small pieces on the towel. The sharp edges of the blades cut small lines into his skin. They weren't really deep, but it was enough to make him feel the blood running down his fingers. The warm liquid left a red line down his arm. It felt like his skin was burning.
The sudden knock on the door interrupted his ritual. He cursed. He wanted to be alone right now. "Sorry for waking you up. I wanted to tell you that I will cook something tonight," the guy said when Ryo opened the door.
Ryo hid his arm behind the door to prevent the other seeing the blood. “I am not sure if I will be at home,” he answered slowly. Everything started spinning around. He needed to lie down again, otherwise he’d fall.
“Sure, just tell me soon enough, okay?” the other one said.
Ryo just nodded at that and closed the door behind him. He was too weak to talk any longer with his flat mate. Sometimes Ryo wondered if the other knew about his condition. But in the end, Ryo didn’t care about it. He cared about nothing anymore. It started with the small things in life. He didn’t look when he crossed the street – it was more that he wished a car would hit him. He stood several times in the subway, one foot in the air, just one step away from jumping onto the rails.
He never took the next step, even though he wanted to, he really wanted to. Ryo lay on the floor again. His world started spinning around again. He thought about his own death.
Who would cry when he was gone?
Would some tears fall on his grave?
Who would visit his grave when he wasn’t here anymore?
Would someone bring flowers from time to time?
Would someone tell him what was happening in the world when he was lying deep in the earth?
A sad smile spread around Ryo’s lips. No one would care. He was a no one. He had no family, no real friends, no love.
A single tear trailed down his face. He didn’t know how to cry anymore. It seemed that all his tears were gone. In only a few minutes of his deepest depression was he was able to let some tear run down his face.
The blood on his hands drained quickly. He still had the blades between his fingers, rubbing them a bit.
When the music stopped he stood up and walked to the bathroom. He cleaned his wounds. He felt his soul get numb again. The pain was gone, but so was the feeling that he was alive.
In his suit Ryo looked like a normal person. No one guessed that something was wrong. The dark rings under his eyes were normal – no one knew him without them and the sad sparkle in his eyes seemed to be invisible to everyone. No one saw his cry for help in there – maybe because he covered everything with a perfect smile. He was a pro at hiding his real feelings behind a big mask. No one would uncover him – he swore this to himself.
“Good morning, Nishikido-san.” The secretary smiled friendly. Ryo bowed a bit. LIAR, something screamed in him. She was always friendly, but he knew that this painful friendly smile was just a farce. She hated everyone around her, especially him.
“Yukito-san, good morning. Please check the meetings for me. I need to know the exact plan till 10am, okay?” Ryo’s voice was husky. He sounded a bit like he had just woken up.
She smiled again. Ryo hated it more and more every time he saw her.
He walked to his office and closed the door behind him. His breath was slow. Ryo hated to go out - he hated to be with other people. He sat down at his desk and stared outside. The city was surrounded by dense fog. It was autumn, the season Ryo loved most. It was dark and unfriendly outside, but the fog let him disappear from others. It was like he was fading away when he walked outside. The cold wind and the fresh air let something in him waken up. It was like he felt that he was somewhere alive.
Now he was staring at the white wall over the town and the small lights in the houses around him. He closed his eyes. Ryo wanted to be at home. He had no strength to work now. He wanted in his room where everything was dark. It was the perfect place to hide from everything around him.
Ryo winced when someone knocked on his door. “I am sorry for interrupting. Here is the list with all the meetings and one call you have missed. Matsumoto-san, your flat mate called earlier. He wants you to call back.” She placed the sheets of paper on the desk and disappeared again without waiting for any response. During the last few months everyone learned that Ryo wasn’t really reacting to others. Maybe they thought he was arrogant, but he didn’t care. It led to the fact that he got ignored, and that’s what he wanted.
He took the sheets and looked at them. Two meetings today – that wasn’t that much, but he already felt exhausted just thinking of going there, talking with someone else.
Ryo took his mobile out of his bag. He knew he had to call Matsumoto Jun immediately, because his flat mate was like his mommy. He cared a lot about him and he always wanted the best for him. Maybe he was the only person who’d visit his grave?
“Jun, you called me?” Ryo said, sounding terribly tired.
“Ah, yes. I wanted to say that I won’t be at home tonight, but I will leave the food in a box. You just have to warm it up,” Jun said. His food wasn’t the best Ryo had ever tasted, but Jun tried hard. He smiled a bit. It was one of the few moments his smile wasn’t meant to be sad or melancholic. It was a friendly smile. He wondered that he was able to do so.
“It’s okay. I will eat it later,” Ryo answered. Wasn’t it strange that Jun was the only one he was able to talk to? It was a lot of work for Ryo to hide his problems in front of Jun. He was sure that the other had already found out that something was off, but at least he hadn’t said anything. Ryo just realized that Jun had become more and more caring towards him.
“Thanks, Jun,” Ryo said before he hung up. It was time to leave for the first meeting with the head of another company. When he was in the elevator he felt his breath get faster. He felt his hands get wet and from time to time his breath stopped.
It was always the same when he was about to meet with someone he didn’t know. The fact that he had to have a long conversation made him nervous. He was used to it, but he also wasn’t. He hated it. He hated people. He hated everything alive. And what he hated most was himself and his life.
“Iwamoto-san, good morning.” Ryo bowed. He smiled – the farce he kept alive when he had his meetings.
“Nishikido-san. Sit down please. I am glad you agreed to this meeting.” The man stood up to bow as well. “Finally we are able to talk about the new building plans.”
Ryo was still smiling. Was it enough? He didn’t know anymore. He had forgotten how to interact with others, or maybe he wasn’t interested in it anymore. “Yes, true. My company wants to expand. We need more space now. You own a big area we are interested in,” Ryo started. He knew he needed his poker face and the best smile he could give.
“We are interested in a cooperation with you,” Iwamoto-san said. “About the payment…” he started, an evil smile curling around his lips. Ryo knew that too well. Almost every time it was the same, but he was used to it. Most of the cooperating partners already knew how to deal with Ryo. He didn’t know when it started, but it led to the fact that he always got what he wanted.
The sad fact was that Ryo didn’t care. It wasn’t the worst thing happening in his life. He didn’t care about sleeping with men to get what he wanted. Of course he felt dirty afterwards, but he did before, so it made no difference.
Ryo’s heart beat faster as he followed Imamoto-san into the little hotel. He knew it would be like always. The other would take what he needed and Ryo would lie there and wait till he was done. He just hoped that it wouldn’t hurt him like the other times. They were always rough and without mercy, taking what they needed, but sometimes Ryo enjoyed the pain he felt there. It was different than what he did to himself at home, because it was his own pain he caused, and not someone else, but it sometimes let him realize that he was still alive.
He knew this hotel. It wasn’t the first time Ryo had been there. Everything went on without words or any kind of emotion. Ryo undressed himself and lay down on the bed. He heard the music echoing in his mind.
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
It helped him to switch off. He didn’t even hear the other one moaning into his ear. Ryo had his eyes closed. He was far away from this world, somewhere where only he was. And he was happy there. He had no real problems – and those he had were just normal stuff everyone had.
After Imamoto-san was finished Ryo stayed there, not moving till the man was out of the room. Ryo still lay there, staring into nothing. Again he sold himself for his company. It didn’t matter to him. He slowly slipped out of the bed and stepped into the shower. These were the only minutes he enjoyed. The warm water on his body, dripping down, washing away the terrible pain and dirt he felt.
Back in the office he acted as if nothing happened. The business was settled and everything was perfect. His father would be proud of him. This time he would be. Ryo was sure of it. But again he only said “good job, but next time you should make it different.” Ryo hated it. He hated him. He could never make it right. His father was never content with his work, never, no matter how hard he tried.
“I really did everything,” Ryo almost whispered.
His father’s hand hit him. “Not enough,” he said. He could have gotten the prpoerty much cheaper with a little bit more effort. His father was enraged. Like always. Ryo let it happen.
When he walked home at night he was sure that he was useless. He shouldn’t be on this earth. He didn’t deserve to be here. It was what he was told ever since he was a child. The dog was more important to his family than he was.
Ryo opened the door to his apartment. At least he was living on his own. He and Jun met during college and they stayed something like friends. Ryo wondered about it, because actually he never paid much attention to others. He was a typical loner. No one could interfere in his life. But with Jun it was different. He was there like a pain in the ass. He always sat next to Ryo, he was always next to him after lessons and in the end he suggested living together.
Ryo hated him for being such a pain, but Jun was also the only person whom he trusted. He knew Jun would never do something to hurt him. They were friends after all. And even though Ryo hid and he never was really friendly with Jun, he still called him friend.
For just the second time that day Ryo smiled. He saw the little bento box on the kitchen table. A short note was pinned on it.
You have to eat it, no matter what! You are getting thinner again!
Chu~Jun
He really cared about Ryo. Ryo opened the box. Rice with vegetables and some cut fruits were in there. It smelled delicious, but Ryo was careful with tasting it. Jun had little ability when it came to cooking. But this one tasted real good. Ryo sat down on the couch and enjoyed the meal. He was glad to be alone at home. No one asked him, no one talked to him and the most important thing: no one touched him.
Ryo snoozed away. The day was exhausting. He didn’t want to think about what had happened, but he couldn’t switch off his thoughts. He still smelled the man’s scent when he thought about it. It was disgusting. He turned around and coiled up on the couch till he fell asleep there.
~~~
“Ryo? Wake up.” Someone was touching his shoulder. Ryo froze. He was afraid and coiled up much more to make it more difficult for the other to touch him. “Ryo?” He heard his name again, but it wasn’t aggressive or angry. It more sounded worried and anxious. He opened his eyes.
“Jun? How late is it?” Ryo stretched. It was already dark outside. When he sat up he felt some parts of his body hurting him. It must have happened with the man he was with in the morning.
“It’s 9pm. I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer. And again you didn’t really eat your lunch.” Jun sounded worried. On the one hand Ryo liked that, but on the other he hated it that he was so concerned about him. He didn’t want anyone to interfere in his life.
“I fell asleep some hours ago. It was a busy day.” Ryo stretched his arms. He felt something stinging in his belly, but he tried to ignore it. He wanted to prevent Jun asking him out again. He didn’t need someone playing his mommy.
Jun’s eyes were sparkling. Ryo knew that look. Jun guessed something, Ryo was sure about it. He needed to get away from this situation before Jun would ask him out again. “You are often tired during the last time, Ryo,” Jun started.
“Yes, true. So, I am going to sleep now. Then I will get enough sleep,” Ryo smiled. His heart beat faster. He didn’t know how long he would be able to lie to Jun anymore. Ryo slipped out of the room and walked to his own. He breathed out when he closed the door behind him. He could imagine how Jun was standing in the living room now, thinking about Ryo. He always did, Ryo knew that.
His room was dark. His curtains were still closed. Ryo loved to be in the dark. It was calming for him. The darkness let him feel invisible. No one broke into this darkness and this shadow around him. In his room he was safe. It was his area, his private area.
Ryo lay on his bed. He closed his eyes, feeling the pain he had felt just before. His body was still tense. He knew it would take him much more time to come down from his tension again. It was like Ryo could hear the blood rushing through his veins. He could hear his own heartbeat when he closed his eyes.
How long would he be able to stand this? It had been going on like this for years. He felt that he didn’t have any power to go on anymore. When he thought about a way out of this, he froze. Was it really the only way for him?
He curled up, his arms around his knees. Did he really want to end his life? Was it the only way out? Ryo winced when he heard a knock on his door.
INTRUDER! A voice in him started screaming. He saw some things lying on his floor, which he didn’t want anyone to find, but he wasn’t able to stand up and put it away. “Ryo?” Jun slipped into the room.
Ryo saw him looking around. Ryo could see him suddenly stop. He was sure Jun had found the items. And he was sure that there must have been some blood spread on the ground. Ryo wasn’t able to clean up this morning.
Ryo looked up when Jun came closer to his bed. He had never seen him looking at him like this before. It was a mixture of worry, anxiousness, fear and helplessness. “What the hell happened to you?” Ryo felt the bed move as Jun sat down next to him. He had his eyes closed. Ryo didn’t want to look at the other one now. He felt embarrassed. His deepest secret was about to be uncovered. Was that what he wanted? Did he want Jun to know about his problems? Did he scream for help without knowing it?
Jun’s hand was shaking as he touched Ryo’s cheek. Ryo could feel it. “Talk to me.” Jun’s voice sounded aggravated.
“I can’t.” Ryo’s voice was trembling slightly.
Ryo waited. He knew Jun would say something, but when he didn’t hear anything from him, he opened his eyes slightly. Jun was kneeling in front of his bed, collecting the items from the floor. Ryo bit his lips when he saw how Jun’s eyes got sad. He raised the bloody razors and showed them Ryo. “You did this?” His voice was husky.
Ryo didn’t want to move, but he did without thinking about it. He grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and pulled it up. Jun rubbed his face when he saw the scars spread on Ryo’s arm and a bandage around his wrists.
“Ryo,” Jun sighed. It sounded depressed. “Why didn’t you ask for help?”
“Why did you come here in my room?” Ryo yelled at him. He didn’t want to get scolded for what he did.
“I am sorry. I don’t want to offend you. I am just confused, sad, and I can’t believe it. I thought that something was off, but this … is something I couldn’t even imagine in my worst nightmare.” Jun collected the stuff and wrapped it in a towel, which was lying nearby. “Why?” Jun asked. He knew he wouldn’t get an answer, at least not now.
“I am sorry, Jun. I am just a burden. All the time, for everyone.” Ryo shrank back when he saw Jun rushing up to him. Before he could avoid it, Jun slapped him.
“Don’t you dare say something like that again,” Jun pointed at him. Ryo rubbed his face, some small tears in his eyes. He had been slapped many times – he never cared before, but Jun? It was different. It felt different from all the other pain he had to bear. Jun was desperate because he wanted to help him, he was afraid that Ryo would do something really bad to himself when he wasn’t watching over him.
“I am sorry, Ryo. I already guessed that something was wrong with you. I’ve always tried to watch you, but it’s not that easy. I am sorry for slapping you.” Jun brushed the other’s face.
Ryo let him. His heart beat faster. “Jun?” Ryo looked at him directly.
“Hm?”
“Would you visit my grave if I were dead?” Ryo could see Jun tensing up. He didn’t know if he was going to slap him again, or if he’d just leave.
But Jun just reached out to Ryo and hugged him out of the blue. “I wouldn’t let you die,” he whispered to him. “Sleep now, I will come and visit you later.” With that Jun left the room.
Ryo tossed and turned hundred of times in his bed. He wasn’t able to get any sleep. The whole day was replaying in his mind. Every scene was burnt into his memory. He knew he wouldn’t forget it, ever.
But Ryo felt something he hadn’t felt in years. There was a small glimmer of hope in him. It was spreading slowly but would drown again when he thought of everything else. But the glimmer didn’t disappear completely. There was still something left, even though it was just an extreme small-tiny-bit.
It was one of the few evenings Ryo didn’t long to hurt himself. He felt that he was alive. Ryo put on the CD player. His song was echoing again, but it didn’t feel good right now. He got nervous when he listened to it closely.
Ryo wondered about himself. His mood was changing.
Something changed in him.
Something woke up in him.
Something let him feel alive without needing to feel pure pain.
It was late at night. Ryo was still lying awake in bed. He hadn’t been able to find rest. Normally he was almost unconscious when he went to bed, but not today. He didn’t feel dizzy and numb from the lack of blood, so he was really alive tonight.
Early in the morning Ryo felt the melancholic way of his life again. He snuck out of his room and searched for some towels in the kitchen. His heart beat faster when he was back in his room. Some hours ago he felt a few minutes of hope and the will to make things better, but now, after at some sleep, everything was like it had always been.
He knew he needed to work today, and he knew he wouldn’t manage it without his daily ritual. It was still early, and he knew Jun wouldn’t be awake now.
He sat on the floor and opened his bag to get out his iPod. Without his song he couldn’t get into the right mood. No matter how often he listened to it, no matter how often the words echoed in his ears, he didn’t get tired of it.
Ryo searched under his bed for the little box he had there. It was his emergency box. He pulled out some razor blades and placed them on the towels he had brought from the kitchen.
He placed them in the order he’d use them. There always had to be the same order, otherwise his ritual wasn’t complete. Everything was done quickly. He didn’t have time to enjoy it as usual. He knew Jun would get up soon, and he’d immediately realize that something was off again.
Ryo took a shower and dressed himself for work. He left the apartment without any noise. He really wanted to avoid Jun right now, because he knew Jun would recognize that he was totally dizzy and far from normal.
The cold air touched his face. It woke him up a bit. His body got stronger, he could feel it. But he didn’t know if he wanted it to. When he was in front of the building where he worked, his body tensed. He hated this place like nothing else in his life. But he smiled when he walked in.
Again he played the cold and unreachable manager. “Good morning, Nishikido-san. Your father wishes to talk with you.” The secretary smiled at him. Ryo hated it. And he hated to talk with his father, especially that early in the morning.
He stepped in the elevator and pushed the button for the 15th floor. It felt like he needed hours to get up there. His heart beat faster when he walked up to his father’s office. He breathed out deeply, his eyes scanning the golden letters on the door. He had seen them hundreds of times, but every time he saw them, they seemed dangerous to him.
President Nishikido Haruko
Ryo brushed over the first word. You shouldn’t be a president. It’s a shame to call something like you president. something in his mind screamed. Ryo couldn’t express how much he hated his father and the work he had to do for him.
“It’s how business works,” his father once told him. First Ryo didn’t know the full meaning of those words. Step by step he began to realize that to his father it meant to victimize himself, to do everything for the customers.
His father was now too old to do everything, so he had to do it for him. Ryo wished that he had run away when he had the chance, but now it was too late.
It wasn’t just that his father more or less sold him to other men. It was also that his father was the one who taught him how to act with men. Ryo felt even dirtier when his father called him for help (as his father called it) than when he had to take care of all the other men.
And now he feared that it was time again. His father wanted something, and Ryo knew what it would be. Ryo knocked on the door. He heard his father’s voice telling him to come in. His voice was breaking, Ryo knew what that meant. He walked up to the desk and placed his bag there. Ryo knew it was best to bring it to an end as soon as possible.
As he left the office Ryo felt the stinging pain in his eyes. He knew there should be tears, but nothing came. He wasn’t able to cry anymore. He was numb, because he was used to all this.
Back in his own office he washed his hands several times. He rubbed his hands with the towel, till they were red, but it didn’t help much.
Ryo sighed. He walked up to his chair and let himself fall into it. He was terribly tired. His wrists were pulsating. He could feel his wounds. Ryo smiled. He was alive. The pain told him this.
Ryo snoozed away. He had this morning off, but he was in the office to flee from Jun. He didn’t want to talk with him right now. Something was fighting inside him. Two different opinions collided with each other. On the one hand, he wanted Jun to help him, that’s why he left his items everywhere in his room, but on the other hand it was his world. It was his distraction from the mess around him.
“Nishikido-san?” Ryo winced when he heard someone behind him. He turned his chair and smiled at the secretary. “Your meeting in the afternoon got cancelled.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Ryo was relieved. It was a normal meeting. Nothing bad or painful for him, but he was glad that he was able to go home earlier. There he could coil up in his bed and slip into a world where everything was alright. “I will go now. Tell my father that I am out of office.” Ryo packed his bag. He really wasn’t interested in seeing his father again.
When Ryo opened the door to his apartment he was sure that he was alone. He didn’t count on Jun standing in the middle of his room, scanning the ground properly. “What are you doing in my room?” Ryo screamed.
Ryo stepped back when he saw Jun’s sad eyes looking at him. He couldn’t even see that Jun was annoyed. Ryo looked at the ground. The towels and other stuff were still there. “Jun…” Ryo started. He wanted to explain and at the same time he didn’t want to. He felt tired and numb.
“Please Ryo, let me help you,” was all Jun could say. Jun’s voice was soft, different from what Ryo expected. He thought the other would yell at him, judge him, hate him, but he sounded really concerned and worried about him.
“I don’t know if someone can help me.” It was one of the few times Ryo was honest. He really didn’t know if anyone would be able to pull him out of this deep black hole he was in. He knew he needed to rearrange his whole life, and he didn’t know if he’d have the power to do so.
“I am sure I am able, Ryo. Trust me, please.” Jun’s voice sounded caring.
Ryo’s heart was hammering against his chest. He was torn between running away and opening himself to the other. He couldn’t decide. He needed to think about everything. He wanted to slip into his own world again, where he could get lost in thoughts to think about it.
Ryo felt Jun watching him. He knew Jun didn’t want anything bad, that he wanted an answer, but Ryo wasn’t that fast with answers anymore. “I … don’t … know….” Ryo stuttered.
“Okay, but please call in sick for a few days. Please. If you don’t talk with me, and you want to hide in your room, that’s fine, but please don’t go out and let me care for you. Even if it just means placing some food in front of your room and knocking to tell you that there is something for you to eat. You don’t need to face me or talk with me, but please stay at home.” Jun sounded desperate.
Ryo started nibbling on his lips nervously. Something in him started pushing and pulling painfully.
It was his chance to find a way out of this, but was it really what he wanted?
Didn’t he want to suffer in his own world?
Wasn’t what he created here his chance to flee from the real world around him?
Wouldn’t it all cave in when he let Jun enter his world?
How would he be able to manage the daily life without his ritual and without slipping into this other world?
Ryo finally gave in and promised to stay at home for a few days. He knew Jun wouldn’t stop torturing him with pleas and questions till he stayed at home. But he wouldn’t change his way of living during those days. He just took it as chance to calm Jun down. That was his plan.
Ryo was shaking madly. Two days passed and it was pure torture for him. Jun watched every step he made, he controlled what Ryo did every hour. So Ryo wasn’t able to do his daily ritual. The only thing he could do was listen to his song.
It calmed him down at least a little bit. The woman’s voice echoed in his ears and he put the volume up to erase every other noise around him. Ryo closed his eyes and tried to breathe in a steady rhythm. He needed to concentrate on the music, to distract himself from the need he felt.
Ryo almost jumped when someone tugged on his arm. Jun stood next to his bed, holding a tray with soup and some bread. He just said, “You need to eat something.”
Ryo felt caught. Even though he was just lying there, no one should listen to the music and no one should see him when he was like this. Jun was a kind of intruder here. Ryo felt his anger rising. He tried to swallow his feelings, but how Jun looked at him, how he somehow scanned him, it let Ryo’s feelings overwhelm him. “I don’t want anything, go away.” It didn’t sound as aggressive as it was meant to be. Ryo was tired after all.
He knew that Jun wouldn’t go away that easily. Ryo still had his eyes closed. He sighed when he felt Jun sitting next to him. There was no chance to get away from this. “Jun,” he started.
“No. I am waiting till you are done eating this. No way to say anything against it, because I will watch every bite you take.” Jun made himself more comfortable on the bed and placed the tray on Ryo’s lap, who started eating wordlessly.
“I can’t anymore.” Ryo didn’t even eat half of the food. Jun looked at him warily. He sighed.
“That’s not enough, Ryo. You need to eat more, really,” Jun said carefully. He knew Ryo wasn’t an aggravated type of guy, but he couldn’t say what would happen when he started interfering into his life.
And Jun was right. With one swift move Ryo threw the tray on the ground, the rest of the soup spilling on the floor and the bread landing somewhere under his drawer. “No!” Ryo’s eyes sparkled. He couldn’t describe the feelings he was having. It was one of the first times he allowed himself to say no. Normally he agreed to everything, but not now. Ryo didn’t know why suddenly he was able to deny.
“I see,” Jun answered. He stood up to leave the room, without taking care of the food on the ground. “You clean up on your own room,” he simply added.
“Jun?” Ryo whispered. He saw the other one turning around, facing him. “I am sorry.” Ryo hated himself for giving in again. But in the end he knew it wasn’t Jun who had done something bad to him. He was here to help him, and it was probably wrong to act like this towards him.
Jun just nodded once and closed the door behind him. It was like interacting with a child, but it was more dangerous. Jun walked back to his room. He needed to think about everything. Right now he didn’t know how to help Ryo. He knew that the other would never, never let someone else step into his life. It was a miracle that he hadn’t pushed Jun away like he thought Ryo would.
Jun opened the small book he had on his table. For weeks he had noted Ryo’s attitude and the things he realized while watching him. Jun revisited older entries he had made some time ago.
I realize what he is doing in his room. How shall I act now? I can’t tell him directly that I know, because I am afraid that he will run away from me when I do. And in the end I want to rescue him and not push him deeper into trouble. I want to know why he turned out like this? What the hell happened to my Ryo?
Jun sighed. He was still asking himself these questions. At least Ryo knew that Jun knew, but it didn’t change the fact that Jun had no idea what to do. And he didn’t know what had happened to Ryo.
Jun tried to remember any kind of sign, any kind of change in Ryo’s behaviour. He tried to figure out when everything started to get strange. He had known Ryo for so long now. He never was an extreme extroverted character, but he wasn’t as closed as he was now. They often went out together, talked with each other, but somewhere everything changed.
Jun blinked. He tilted his head from left to right and back. He had something on his mind. A date – a memory he had forgotten until now. It was short time after they graduated from university. Ryo started working in his father’s business and Jun opened his own little fashion store. Till then they were normal flat mates and friends. But then Ryo got more and more closed. Jun remembered that Ryo never talked a lot about his family and the situation they were in, but since he worked in his father’s business Ryo started being like he was now.
Maybe it was just bad coincidence, but it looked like Jun had found his connection to Ryo’s behaviour. “What shall I do?” Jun whispered. He really started getting desperate. First he thought it wasn’t that bad, and Ryo was just in a bad mood, which would change. But it got worse every day. Jun tried hard to help him without telling him directly, but it wasn’t possible anymore. Maybe he should confront him again with all the things he recognized. Maybe he should tell him what exactly Ryo meant to him, and that he wouldn’t go that easily.
Jun smiled. What was he thinking? He and Ryo? They were friends and for now Ryo had other problems without thinking about Jun.
Jun decided to let the other alone for awhile. He needed to force Ryo here and there, but he was sure that he had to think about exactly when and where he should put more pressure on Ryo. Jun knew it could turn into Ryo fleeing and hiding somewhere, and he knew he’d go insane if that happened.
Jun cleaned the kitchen to prevent himself of running back into Ryo’s room, watching every step he made. But two hours later he knocked on the other’s door. When there was no answer Jun got nervous. He slowly opened the door and slipped into the room.
He saw Ryo lying on the bed, coiled up. His heart beat got slower again. Ryo was just sleeping. He could hear his breathing. Jun took the plates from the ground and started cleaning the mess Ryo had created. He tiptoed around and collected the bread and the pieces of glass around there.
Ryo was moving in his bed. Jun looked up, but the other was still sleeping. He didn’t want to wake him up, because Ryo was finally asleep and he looked calm and content at this moment, even though he probably wasn’t.
Jun crept outside, trying to be as silent as possible.
“Jun.”
He stopped. Wasn’t Ryo sleeping anymore?
Jun turned around to look at him. Ryo’s eyes were small and tired, but he was awake. “I can’t prevent myself from doing something stupid. Please don’t leave.” Jun froze. Ryo was really asking for help and it sounded more honest than ever before.
“I will be back in one minute.” Jun smiled at him. He left the door open, but slipped outside to bring the tray into the kitchen. He needed to breathe in and out a few times to calm down. Maybe now Ryo was able to let someone help him. At least he asked for it.
When Jun came back to Ryo’s room he sat down next to him. “I am here, you can sleep now,” Jun said. Ryo just smiled sadly at him. He felt down and totally spent. Every tension seemed to dissolve. It was the first day in years he had off and the first day he didn’t fear getting used by some business man or his father.
He just could stay at home and no one would do something to him. It was the moment Ryo decided that he needed to change something. He felt how broken he was, how urgent it was to get out of there. When he woke up a few minutes before, he felt like he had to do something to himself. Ryo felt the need to feel pain again, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to get out of there.
When he saw how much Jun cared about him, he knew he had to do it for his own sake and partly also for Jun’s sake. Ryo couldn’t put into words what Jun was for him. Even though there was never something between them, he always had the feeling that they could be more if he hadn’t been so complicated.
But no matter how bad and dark Ryo’s days were, when he came home he felt safe and loved. It was the only place Ryo could imagine being happy. A short smile curled around Ryo’s lips when he smelled Jun’s scent next to him. This was the only thing he called familiar. The thing he called family – the thing he called being loved.
It was hours later when Ryo woke up. It was the first peaceful sleep he had in weeks. When he opened his eyes he saw Jun’s face right next to his. It was dark outside and the clock blinked the time – 2:30am.
Jun didn’t leave – not even for the night. Ryo scanned his face. He saw the small wrinkles around his forehead. He looked worried. Was it because of him?
Ryo didn’t dare move. He wanted to look at Jun forever, he wanted to memorize this moment for later on. He wondered why Jun never left him during the last few years. It must have been a nightmare living with him. And Ryo was sure that Jun knew what he was doing ever since he started it.
“Is everything okay?” Ryo winced. Jun opened his eyes and looked directly at him. Ryo’s cheeks flushed. Jun was awake – he realized that Ryo was looking at him. He felt caught.
“Yes, I think so.” Ryo’s voice was husky.
“It’s because of your father, right?” Jun needed to know what was going on. His heart beat faster when he asked Ryo about it. Maybe it wasn’t the perfect time, maybe it was too soon, but Jun was sure that the perfect moment would never come when it was about this topic.
“Jun, I can’t...,” Ryo started.
“Sure, sure. Just talk to me when you are able to, okay?” Jun interrupted.
“I will,” Ryo started smiling. He treasured that Jun didn’t force him to talk to him right now. He couldn’t open up to someone else right now. It wasn’t only that he was afraid of doing so, it was also that he felt ashamed of what he did and what others did to him. Partly he was sure that it was his fault, and he couldn’t talk about it.
Jun brushed over the bandage on Ryo’s hand. He pulled his arm away when he felt the wound hurting. “Shall I clean it? It seems the wound got infected.”
Ryo just nodded. He never showed anyone these parts of his body, but he trusted Jun. He knew Jun wouldn’t laugh or yell at him. He would be sad, but he’d never hurt him. Jun crept out of the bed and came back with his first aid kit and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Jun sat down and put Ryo’s hands in his lap and started undoing the bandage. Jun’s heart was beating faster when he saw all the small scars on Ryo’s arm. Some of them were older, some were still bleeding and some looked horrible. “Ryo…” Jun whispered. He knew it was bad, but to see it made it worse for Jun.
“I am sorry.” Ryo looked at his own hand. He bit his lips nervously. He waited for Jun to get mad and start yelling, but he didn’t. Ryo felt something on his wounds. It burnt like hell. But the cream Jun added made it stop again. Jun took care of every single wound on Ryo’s arm before he bandaged them again and started on the other hand.
“Do you have any other wounds to clean?” Ryo could hear the worry in Jun’s voice. He hoped that there wouldn’t be any other scars on his body. Ryo thought of showing Jun the bruises on his hips and thighs.
He was sure Jun would immediately know what had happened, even though he wouldn’t know any details. He sat up and brushed away his shirt. He looked at Jun, who closed his eyes for some moments before he looked at him. “I will care for them,” he said.
Ryo knew what he meant with that. He didn’t mean about the wounds only. He meant that he’d care for him as a person. With every second Ryo got more confident about his decision to let Jun help him.
Ryo could now see his own bruises. They grew bigger and dark black and blue during the last few hours. He shivered when he remembered that man touching him. And he didn’t even want to think about his father.
Jun’s hand on his hips felt soft and gentle. Ryo closed his eyes to remember it. It was a warm feeling in him. Maybe he should have taken the chance to talk with Jun much earlier. Maybe all the pain he caused himself wouldn’t have started back then.
Ryo sat up when Jun was done and removed his pants. Of course it was a strange feeling. He felt naked, even though he wasn’t, and he felt ashamed, even though dozens of strangers had seen him totally unclothed. But it was Jun, and all the bruises and wounds made him feel embarrassed. Ryo started thinking about the fault again. Was it his fault that all this happened? Maybe there was a chance that he could have prevented it, but in the end he was too stupid to do so.
Jun swallowed hard. He knew what these bruises told him, but he didn’t want to think about it. “Is it okay to touch your inner thigh?” The question sounded stupid to Jun, but he didn’t want to touch Ryo without permission. He knew he needed to be careful. He never wanted to hurt him, nor did he want him to feel like Jun wanted something bad.
“It is,” Ryo simply answered. He let Jun help him before he put his clothes on again. “I am sorry again,” Ryo said after he lay down again.
“No need to apologize, but please…,” Jun didn’t want to repeat it again and again, because he didn’t want to annoy the other.
“I know, I won’t,” Ryo smiled. Jun’s heart jumped at that. It wasn’t only a sad smile. There was some hope in it, and Jun was sure that he was thankful that someone realized what was going on.
~~~
Jun woke up when he heard Ryo talking with someone on his phone. He didn’t say anything, because he wanted to listen to what the other was saying.
“I can’t, I am sick. No, Sir, I am really chained to the bed.” Ryo nibbled on his lower lip. Jun could see that he was nervous. He immediately knew that Ryo was talking with his father.
If Jun was right with his theory, it must have been hard for Ryo to talk with him right now. He stood up and stepped behind Ryo, who bounced up and down. “What do you mean?” Ryo asked.
Jun wanted to know what Ryo’s father was saying, but he couldn’t hear his voice. “But I need the job.” Jun closed his eyes. Without thinking he wrapped his arms around Ryo’s waist and pulled him a little closer.
“Useless?” Ryo’s voice broke. Jun leaned closer to Ryo, and put his head on Ryo’s. Now he could hear the man screaming.
Jun had enough. He pulled Ryo’s arm and took the phone out of his hand. “I guess there is someone else useless here, but I won’t discuss it with you. Just let me tell you that your son won’t come back to your business. He has something else now, and he doesn’t need your money anymore.” With that Jun hung up.
Ryo looked at him, his mouth wide open. “Jun, are you nuts? I need this job.”
“No, you don’t, because that job is making you kill yourself. Everything is his fault, isn’t it? You don’t need it, Ryo.” Jun stepped closer. Ryo closed his eyes when he saw Jun raising his hand. He thought the other would go and hit him right at this moment, but when Jun only brushed his cheek, Ryo was calm again. “I promised to take care of you, right? I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but I am not stupid. This job and your father are the reasons, aren’t they?”
Ryo only nodded. Tears were running down his cheeks, and everything got blurred around him. It was the first time in years he was able to really cry, to let out everything he felt. Finally he was able to let go. All the tension broke down in this one instant.
“I won’t let you go back there, you know.” Jun wrapped his arms around Ryo again and pulled him closer. “Even though you aren’t telling me what exactly happened, I am sure there is a connection to your father and his business, am I right?”
Ryo just nodded at him. “See, I am not stupid. I will help you, okay? I am here.” Jun took Ryo’s head in his hands and wiped away the tears from his cheeks.
Ryo nodded again. His doubts about crying for help faded away. When Jun bent forward and placed a single kiss on his lips, he let him. “We’ll manage it, okay?”
Jun didn’t count on an answer, but when he realized that Ryo’s walls were totally breaking down he just held him close and cared for him. He let him cry and yell out the pain he had carried inside himself for so long. Jun didn’t count on any explanation, but hours later Ryo started talking. He talked quickly and with every sentence he seemed to get more frantic and started talking much quicker, but Jun let him. He didn’t even interrupt him to ask snything.
He was shocked at how many things he had missed while living with Ryo. Maybe he should have done something much sooner, but it wasn’t time to think about that right now. There was much that Jun had to hear that night, but he was incredibly glad that Ryo opened up before everything was too late. He let Ryo finish his story before he embraced him and told him again, that they’d manage it together.
“This kiss is for the future. With it we erase the past. At least we can start with it, okay?” Jun said. Ryo nodded at him and closed his eyes when he felt Jun’s lips on his. Erasing ll that had happened wouldn’t be easy, but with help he’d manage it, he knew.
Months later
Ryo was lying on his bed. The radio was turned on. He knew he had some time left till he had go to the therapy. He froze when he heard a well-known voice.
Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dom….
He turned it off. That was his past and not his future.
He was lying on the floor, his eyes closed. He only listened to the music. Melancholic mood - it was what he loved. He concentrated on the pain - the terrible pain in his body. He should have been afraid of it, but he loved this feeling. Everything else in him was numb. His soul was frozen - or maybe it was already dead and that’s why he didn't feel it anymore.
He rubbed the small pieces, which were lying next to him, between his fingers. He felt the cuts, but he didn't care about it. He started loving the feeling of pain. It was his ritual each day he came home from work. He took the razor blades he had bought and cut them into little pieces. He placed everything on the towel he had on his floor.
The music was the most important part of his ritual. It was always the same song he chose. He took off his shirt and lay on the ground, his hand brushing over the small pieces on the towel. The sharp edges of the blades cut small lines into his skin. They weren't really deep, but it was enough to make him feel the blood running down his fingers. The warm liquid left a red line down his arm. It felt like his skin was burning.
The sudden knock on the door interrupted his ritual. He cursed. He wanted to be alone right now. "Sorry for waking you up. I wanted to tell you that I will cook something tonight," the guy said when Ryo opened the door.
Ryo hid his arm behind the door to prevent the other seeing the blood. “I am not sure if I will be at home,” he answered slowly. Everything started spinning around. He needed to lie down again, otherwise he’d fall.
“Sure, just tell me soon enough, okay?” the other one said.
Ryo just nodded at that and closed the door behind him. He was too weak to talk any longer with his flat mate. Sometimes Ryo wondered if the other knew about his condition. But in the end, Ryo didn’t care about it. He cared about nothing anymore. It started with the small things in life. He didn’t look when he crossed the street – it was more that he wished a car would hit him. He stood several times in the subway, one foot in the air, just one step away from jumping onto the rails.
He never took the next step, even though he wanted to, he really wanted to. Ryo lay on the floor again. His world started spinning around again. He thought about his own death.
Who would cry when he was gone?
Would some tears fall on his grave?
Who would visit his grave when he wasn’t here anymore?
Would someone bring flowers from time to time?
Would someone tell him what was happening in the world when he was lying deep in the earth?
A sad smile spread around Ryo’s lips. No one would care. He was a no one. He had no family, no real friends, no love.
A single tear trailed down his face. He didn’t know how to cry anymore. It seemed that all his tears were gone. In only a few minutes of his deepest depression was he was able to let some tear run down his face.
The blood on his hands drained quickly. He still had the blades between his fingers, rubbing them a bit.
When the music stopped he stood up and walked to the bathroom. He cleaned his wounds. He felt his soul get numb again. The pain was gone, but so was the feeling that he was alive.
In his suit Ryo looked like a normal person. No one guessed that something was wrong. The dark rings under his eyes were normal – no one knew him without them and the sad sparkle in his eyes seemed to be invisible to everyone. No one saw his cry for help in there – maybe because he covered everything with a perfect smile. He was a pro at hiding his real feelings behind a big mask. No one would uncover him – he swore this to himself.
“Good morning, Nishikido-san.” The secretary smiled friendly. Ryo bowed a bit. LIAR, something screamed in him. She was always friendly, but he knew that this painful friendly smile was just a farce. She hated everyone around her, especially him.
“Yukito-san, good morning. Please check the meetings for me. I need to know the exact plan till 10am, okay?” Ryo’s voice was husky. He sounded a bit like he had just woken up.
She smiled again. Ryo hated it more and more every time he saw her.
He walked to his office and closed the door behind him. His breath was slow. Ryo hated to go out - he hated to be with other people. He sat down at his desk and stared outside. The city was surrounded by dense fog. It was autumn, the season Ryo loved most. It was dark and unfriendly outside, but the fog let him disappear from others. It was like he was fading away when he walked outside. The cold wind and the fresh air let something in him waken up. It was like he felt that he was somewhere alive.
Now he was staring at the white wall over the town and the small lights in the houses around him. He closed his eyes. Ryo wanted to be at home. He had no strength to work now. He wanted in his room where everything was dark. It was the perfect place to hide from everything around him.
Ryo winced when someone knocked on his door. “I am sorry for interrupting. Here is the list with all the meetings and one call you have missed. Matsumoto-san, your flat mate called earlier. He wants you to call back.” She placed the sheets of paper on the desk and disappeared again without waiting for any response. During the last few months everyone learned that Ryo wasn’t really reacting to others. Maybe they thought he was arrogant, but he didn’t care. It led to the fact that he got ignored, and that’s what he wanted.
He took the sheets and looked at them. Two meetings today – that wasn’t that much, but he already felt exhausted just thinking of going there, talking with someone else.
Ryo took his mobile out of his bag. He knew he had to call Matsumoto Jun immediately, because his flat mate was like his mommy. He cared a lot about him and he always wanted the best for him. Maybe he was the only person who’d visit his grave?
“Jun, you called me?” Ryo said, sounding terribly tired.
“Ah, yes. I wanted to say that I won’t be at home tonight, but I will leave the food in a box. You just have to warm it up,” Jun said. His food wasn’t the best Ryo had ever tasted, but Jun tried hard. He smiled a bit. It was one of the few moments his smile wasn’t meant to be sad or melancholic. It was a friendly smile. He wondered that he was able to do so.
“It’s okay. I will eat it later,” Ryo answered. Wasn’t it strange that Jun was the only one he was able to talk to? It was a lot of work for Ryo to hide his problems in front of Jun. He was sure that the other had already found out that something was off, but at least he hadn’t said anything. Ryo just realized that Jun had become more and more caring towards him.
“Thanks, Jun,” Ryo said before he hung up. It was time to leave for the first meeting with the head of another company. When he was in the elevator he felt his breath get faster. He felt his hands get wet and from time to time his breath stopped.
It was always the same when he was about to meet with someone he didn’t know. The fact that he had to have a long conversation made him nervous. He was used to it, but he also wasn’t. He hated it. He hated people. He hated everything alive. And what he hated most was himself and his life.
“Iwamoto-san, good morning.” Ryo bowed. He smiled – the farce he kept alive when he had his meetings.
“Nishikido-san. Sit down please. I am glad you agreed to this meeting.” The man stood up to bow as well. “Finally we are able to talk about the new building plans.”
Ryo was still smiling. Was it enough? He didn’t know anymore. He had forgotten how to interact with others, or maybe he wasn’t interested in it anymore. “Yes, true. My company wants to expand. We need more space now. You own a big area we are interested in,” Ryo started. He knew he needed his poker face and the best smile he could give.
“We are interested in a cooperation with you,” Iwamoto-san said. “About the payment…” he started, an evil smile curling around his lips. Ryo knew that too well. Almost every time it was the same, but he was used to it. Most of the cooperating partners already knew how to deal with Ryo. He didn’t know when it started, but it led to the fact that he always got what he wanted.
The sad fact was that Ryo didn’t care. It wasn’t the worst thing happening in his life. He didn’t care about sleeping with men to get what he wanted. Of course he felt dirty afterwards, but he did before, so it made no difference.
Ryo’s heart beat faster as he followed Imamoto-san into the little hotel. He knew it would be like always. The other would take what he needed and Ryo would lie there and wait till he was done. He just hoped that it wouldn’t hurt him like the other times. They were always rough and without mercy, taking what they needed, but sometimes Ryo enjoyed the pain he felt there. It was different than what he did to himself at home, because it was his own pain he caused, and not someone else, but it sometimes let him realize that he was still alive.
He knew this hotel. It wasn’t the first time Ryo had been there. Everything went on without words or any kind of emotion. Ryo undressed himself and lay down on the bed. He heard the music echoing in his mind.
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dominus
It helped him to switch off. He didn’t even hear the other one moaning into his ear. Ryo had his eyes closed. He was far away from this world, somewhere where only he was. And he was happy there. He had no real problems – and those he had were just normal stuff everyone had.
After Imamoto-san was finished Ryo stayed there, not moving till the man was out of the room. Ryo still lay there, staring into nothing. Again he sold himself for his company. It didn’t matter to him. He slowly slipped out of the bed and stepped into the shower. These were the only minutes he enjoyed. The warm water on his body, dripping down, washing away the terrible pain and dirt he felt.
Back in the office he acted as if nothing happened. The business was settled and everything was perfect. His father would be proud of him. This time he would be. Ryo was sure of it. But again he only said “good job, but next time you should make it different.” Ryo hated it. He hated him. He could never make it right. His father was never content with his work, never, no matter how hard he tried.
“I really did everything,” Ryo almost whispered.
His father’s hand hit him. “Not enough,” he said. He could have gotten the prpoerty much cheaper with a little bit more effort. His father was enraged. Like always. Ryo let it happen.
When he walked home at night he was sure that he was useless. He shouldn’t be on this earth. He didn’t deserve to be here. It was what he was told ever since he was a child. The dog was more important to his family than he was.
Ryo opened the door to his apartment. At least he was living on his own. He and Jun met during college and they stayed something like friends. Ryo wondered about it, because actually he never paid much attention to others. He was a typical loner. No one could interfere in his life. But with Jun it was different. He was there like a pain in the ass. He always sat next to Ryo, he was always next to him after lessons and in the end he suggested living together.
Ryo hated him for being such a pain, but Jun was also the only person whom he trusted. He knew Jun would never do something to hurt him. They were friends after all. And even though Ryo hid and he never was really friendly with Jun, he still called him friend.
For just the second time that day Ryo smiled. He saw the little bento box on the kitchen table. A short note was pinned on it.
You have to eat it, no matter what! You are getting thinner again!
Chu~Jun
He really cared about Ryo. Ryo opened the box. Rice with vegetables and some cut fruits were in there. It smelled delicious, but Ryo was careful with tasting it. Jun had little ability when it came to cooking. But this one tasted real good. Ryo sat down on the couch and enjoyed the meal. He was glad to be alone at home. No one asked him, no one talked to him and the most important thing: no one touched him.
Ryo snoozed away. The day was exhausting. He didn’t want to think about what had happened, but he couldn’t switch off his thoughts. He still smelled the man’s scent when he thought about it. It was disgusting. He turned around and coiled up on the couch till he fell asleep there.
~~~
“Ryo? Wake up.” Someone was touching his shoulder. Ryo froze. He was afraid and coiled up much more to make it more difficult for the other to touch him. “Ryo?” He heard his name again, but it wasn’t aggressive or angry. It more sounded worried and anxious. He opened his eyes.
“Jun? How late is it?” Ryo stretched. It was already dark outside. When he sat up he felt some parts of his body hurting him. It must have happened with the man he was with in the morning.
“It’s 9pm. I tried calling you, but you didn’t answer. And again you didn’t really eat your lunch.” Jun sounded worried. On the one hand Ryo liked that, but on the other he hated it that he was so concerned about him. He didn’t want anyone to interfere in his life.
“I fell asleep some hours ago. It was a busy day.” Ryo stretched his arms. He felt something stinging in his belly, but he tried to ignore it. He wanted to prevent Jun asking him out again. He didn’t need someone playing his mommy.
Jun’s eyes were sparkling. Ryo knew that look. Jun guessed something, Ryo was sure about it. He needed to get away from this situation before Jun would ask him out again. “You are often tired during the last time, Ryo,” Jun started.
“Yes, true. So, I am going to sleep now. Then I will get enough sleep,” Ryo smiled. His heart beat faster. He didn’t know how long he would be able to lie to Jun anymore. Ryo slipped out of the room and walked to his own. He breathed out when he closed the door behind him. He could imagine how Jun was standing in the living room now, thinking about Ryo. He always did, Ryo knew that.
His room was dark. His curtains were still closed. Ryo loved to be in the dark. It was calming for him. The darkness let him feel invisible. No one broke into this darkness and this shadow around him. In his room he was safe. It was his area, his private area.
Ryo lay on his bed. He closed his eyes, feeling the pain he had felt just before. His body was still tense. He knew it would take him much more time to come down from his tension again. It was like Ryo could hear the blood rushing through his veins. He could hear his own heartbeat when he closed his eyes.
How long would he be able to stand this? It had been going on like this for years. He felt that he didn’t have any power to go on anymore. When he thought about a way out of this, he froze. Was it really the only way for him?
He curled up, his arms around his knees. Did he really want to end his life? Was it the only way out? Ryo winced when he heard a knock on his door.
INTRUDER! A voice in him started screaming. He saw some things lying on his floor, which he didn’t want anyone to find, but he wasn’t able to stand up and put it away. “Ryo?” Jun slipped into the room.
Ryo saw him looking around. Ryo could see him suddenly stop. He was sure Jun had found the items. And he was sure that there must have been some blood spread on the ground. Ryo wasn’t able to clean up this morning.
Ryo looked up when Jun came closer to his bed. He had never seen him looking at him like this before. It was a mixture of worry, anxiousness, fear and helplessness. “What the hell happened to you?” Ryo felt the bed move as Jun sat down next to him. He had his eyes closed. Ryo didn’t want to look at the other one now. He felt embarrassed. His deepest secret was about to be uncovered. Was that what he wanted? Did he want Jun to know about his problems? Did he scream for help without knowing it?
Jun’s hand was shaking as he touched Ryo’s cheek. Ryo could feel it. “Talk to me.” Jun’s voice sounded aggravated.
“I can’t.” Ryo’s voice was trembling slightly.
Ryo waited. He knew Jun would say something, but when he didn’t hear anything from him, he opened his eyes slightly. Jun was kneeling in front of his bed, collecting the items from the floor. Ryo bit his lips when he saw how Jun’s eyes got sad. He raised the bloody razors and showed them Ryo. “You did this?” His voice was husky.
Ryo didn’t want to move, but he did without thinking about it. He grabbed the sleeve of his shirt and pulled it up. Jun rubbed his face when he saw the scars spread on Ryo’s arm and a bandage around his wrists.
“Ryo,” Jun sighed. It sounded depressed. “Why didn’t you ask for help?”
“Why did you come here in my room?” Ryo yelled at him. He didn’t want to get scolded for what he did.
“I am sorry. I don’t want to offend you. I am just confused, sad, and I can’t believe it. I thought that something was off, but this … is something I couldn’t even imagine in my worst nightmare.” Jun collected the stuff and wrapped it in a towel, which was lying nearby. “Why?” Jun asked. He knew he wouldn’t get an answer, at least not now.
“I am sorry, Jun. I am just a burden. All the time, for everyone.” Ryo shrank back when he saw Jun rushing up to him. Before he could avoid it, Jun slapped him.
“Don’t you dare say something like that again,” Jun pointed at him. Ryo rubbed his face, some small tears in his eyes. He had been slapped many times – he never cared before, but Jun? It was different. It felt different from all the other pain he had to bear. Jun was desperate because he wanted to help him, he was afraid that Ryo would do something really bad to himself when he wasn’t watching over him.
“I am sorry, Ryo. I already guessed that something was wrong with you. I’ve always tried to watch you, but it’s not that easy. I am sorry for slapping you.” Jun brushed the other’s face.
Ryo let him. His heart beat faster. “Jun?” Ryo looked at him directly.
“Hm?”
“Would you visit my grave if I were dead?” Ryo could see Jun tensing up. He didn’t know if he was going to slap him again, or if he’d just leave.
But Jun just reached out to Ryo and hugged him out of the blue. “I wouldn’t let you die,” he whispered to him. “Sleep now, I will come and visit you later.” With that Jun left the room.
Ryo tossed and turned hundred of times in his bed. He wasn’t able to get any sleep. The whole day was replaying in his mind. Every scene was burnt into his memory. He knew he wouldn’t forget it, ever.
But Ryo felt something he hadn’t felt in years. There was a small glimmer of hope in him. It was spreading slowly but would drown again when he thought of everything else. But the glimmer didn’t disappear completely. There was still something left, even though it was just an extreme small-tiny-bit.
It was one of the few evenings Ryo didn’t long to hurt himself. He felt that he was alive. Ryo put on the CD player. His song was echoing again, but it didn’t feel good right now. He got nervous when he listened to it closely.
Ryo wondered about himself. His mood was changing.
Something changed in him.
Something woke up in him.
Something let him feel alive without needing to feel pure pain.
It was late at night. Ryo was still lying awake in bed. He hadn’t been able to find rest. Normally he was almost unconscious when he went to bed, but not today. He didn’t feel dizzy and numb from the lack of blood, so he was really alive tonight.
Early in the morning Ryo felt the melancholic way of his life again. He snuck out of his room and searched for some towels in the kitchen. His heart beat faster when he was back in his room. Some hours ago he felt a few minutes of hope and the will to make things better, but now, after at some sleep, everything was like it had always been.
He knew he needed to work today, and he knew he wouldn’t manage it without his daily ritual. It was still early, and he knew Jun wouldn’t be awake now.
He sat on the floor and opened his bag to get out his iPod. Without his song he couldn’t get into the right mood. No matter how often he listened to it, no matter how often the words echoed in his ears, he didn’t get tired of it.
Ryo searched under his bed for the little box he had there. It was his emergency box. He pulled out some razor blades and placed them on the towels he had brought from the kitchen.
He placed them in the order he’d use them. There always had to be the same order, otherwise his ritual wasn’t complete. Everything was done quickly. He didn’t have time to enjoy it as usual. He knew Jun would get up soon, and he’d immediately realize that something was off again.
Ryo took a shower and dressed himself for work. He left the apartment without any noise. He really wanted to avoid Jun right now, because he knew Jun would recognize that he was totally dizzy and far from normal.
The cold air touched his face. It woke him up a bit. His body got stronger, he could feel it. But he didn’t know if he wanted it to. When he was in front of the building where he worked, his body tensed. He hated this place like nothing else in his life. But he smiled when he walked in.
Again he played the cold and unreachable manager. “Good morning, Nishikido-san. Your father wishes to talk with you.” The secretary smiled at him. Ryo hated it. And he hated to talk with his father, especially that early in the morning.
He stepped in the elevator and pushed the button for the 15th floor. It felt like he needed hours to get up there. His heart beat faster when he walked up to his father’s office. He breathed out deeply, his eyes scanning the golden letters on the door. He had seen them hundreds of times, but every time he saw them, they seemed dangerous to him.
President Nishikido Haruko
Ryo brushed over the first word. You shouldn’t be a president. It’s a shame to call something like you president. something in his mind screamed. Ryo couldn’t express how much he hated his father and the work he had to do for him.
“It’s how business works,” his father once told him. First Ryo didn’t know the full meaning of those words. Step by step he began to realize that to his father it meant to victimize himself, to do everything for the customers.
His father was now too old to do everything, so he had to do it for him. Ryo wished that he had run away when he had the chance, but now it was too late.
It wasn’t just that his father more or less sold him to other men. It was also that his father was the one who taught him how to act with men. Ryo felt even dirtier when his father called him for help (as his father called it) than when he had to take care of all the other men.
And now he feared that it was time again. His father wanted something, and Ryo knew what it would be. Ryo knocked on the door. He heard his father’s voice telling him to come in. His voice was breaking, Ryo knew what that meant. He walked up to the desk and placed his bag there. Ryo knew it was best to bring it to an end as soon as possible.
As he left the office Ryo felt the stinging pain in his eyes. He knew there should be tears, but nothing came. He wasn’t able to cry anymore. He was numb, because he was used to all this.
Back in his own office he washed his hands several times. He rubbed his hands with the towel, till they were red, but it didn’t help much.
Ryo sighed. He walked up to his chair and let himself fall into it. He was terribly tired. His wrists were pulsating. He could feel his wounds. Ryo smiled. He was alive. The pain told him this.
Ryo snoozed away. He had this morning off, but he was in the office to flee from Jun. He didn’t want to talk with him right now. Something was fighting inside him. Two different opinions collided with each other. On the one hand, he wanted Jun to help him, that’s why he left his items everywhere in his room, but on the other hand it was his world. It was his distraction from the mess around him.
“Nishikido-san?” Ryo winced when he heard someone behind him. He turned his chair and smiled at the secretary. “Your meeting in the afternoon got cancelled.”
“Thank you for telling me.” Ryo was relieved. It was a normal meeting. Nothing bad or painful for him, but he was glad that he was able to go home earlier. There he could coil up in his bed and slip into a world where everything was alright. “I will go now. Tell my father that I am out of office.” Ryo packed his bag. He really wasn’t interested in seeing his father again.
When Ryo opened the door to his apartment he was sure that he was alone. He didn’t count on Jun standing in the middle of his room, scanning the ground properly. “What are you doing in my room?” Ryo screamed.
Ryo stepped back when he saw Jun’s sad eyes looking at him. He couldn’t even see that Jun was annoyed. Ryo looked at the ground. The towels and other stuff were still there. “Jun…” Ryo started. He wanted to explain and at the same time he didn’t want to. He felt tired and numb.
“Please Ryo, let me help you,” was all Jun could say. Jun’s voice was soft, different from what Ryo expected. He thought the other would yell at him, judge him, hate him, but he sounded really concerned and worried about him.
“I don’t know if someone can help me.” It was one of the few times Ryo was honest. He really didn’t know if anyone would be able to pull him out of this deep black hole he was in. He knew he needed to rearrange his whole life, and he didn’t know if he’d have the power to do so.
“I am sure I am able, Ryo. Trust me, please.” Jun’s voice sounded caring.
Ryo’s heart was hammering against his chest. He was torn between running away and opening himself to the other. He couldn’t decide. He needed to think about everything. He wanted to slip into his own world again, where he could get lost in thoughts to think about it.
Ryo felt Jun watching him. He knew Jun didn’t want anything bad, that he wanted an answer, but Ryo wasn’t that fast with answers anymore. “I … don’t … know….” Ryo stuttered.
“Okay, but please call in sick for a few days. Please. If you don’t talk with me, and you want to hide in your room, that’s fine, but please don’t go out and let me care for you. Even if it just means placing some food in front of your room and knocking to tell you that there is something for you to eat. You don’t need to face me or talk with me, but please stay at home.” Jun sounded desperate.
Ryo started nibbling on his lips nervously. Something in him started pushing and pulling painfully.
It was his chance to find a way out of this, but was it really what he wanted?
Didn’t he want to suffer in his own world?
Wasn’t what he created here his chance to flee from the real world around him?
Wouldn’t it all cave in when he let Jun enter his world?
How would he be able to manage the daily life without his ritual and without slipping into this other world?
Ryo finally gave in and promised to stay at home for a few days. He knew Jun wouldn’t stop torturing him with pleas and questions till he stayed at home. But he wouldn’t change his way of living during those days. He just took it as chance to calm Jun down. That was his plan.
Ryo was shaking madly. Two days passed and it was pure torture for him. Jun watched every step he made, he controlled what Ryo did every hour. So Ryo wasn’t able to do his daily ritual. The only thing he could do was listen to his song.
It calmed him down at least a little bit. The woman’s voice echoed in his ears and he put the volume up to erase every other noise around him. Ryo closed his eyes and tried to breathe in a steady rhythm. He needed to concentrate on the music, to distract himself from the need he felt.
Ryo almost jumped when someone tugged on his arm. Jun stood next to his bed, holding a tray with soup and some bread. He just said, “You need to eat something.”
Ryo felt caught. Even though he was just lying there, no one should listen to the music and no one should see him when he was like this. Jun was a kind of intruder here. Ryo felt his anger rising. He tried to swallow his feelings, but how Jun looked at him, how he somehow scanned him, it let Ryo’s feelings overwhelm him. “I don’t want anything, go away.” It didn’t sound as aggressive as it was meant to be. Ryo was tired after all.
He knew that Jun wouldn’t go away that easily. Ryo still had his eyes closed. He sighed when he felt Jun sitting next to him. There was no chance to get away from this. “Jun,” he started.
“No. I am waiting till you are done eating this. No way to say anything against it, because I will watch every bite you take.” Jun made himself more comfortable on the bed and placed the tray on Ryo’s lap, who started eating wordlessly.
“I can’t anymore.” Ryo didn’t even eat half of the food. Jun looked at him warily. He sighed.
“That’s not enough, Ryo. You need to eat more, really,” Jun said carefully. He knew Ryo wasn’t an aggravated type of guy, but he couldn’t say what would happen when he started interfering into his life.
And Jun was right. With one swift move Ryo threw the tray on the ground, the rest of the soup spilling on the floor and the bread landing somewhere under his drawer. “No!” Ryo’s eyes sparkled. He couldn’t describe the feelings he was having. It was one of the first times he allowed himself to say no. Normally he agreed to everything, but not now. Ryo didn’t know why suddenly he was able to deny.
“I see,” Jun answered. He stood up to leave the room, without taking care of the food on the ground. “You clean up on your own room,” he simply added.
“Jun?” Ryo whispered. He saw the other one turning around, facing him. “I am sorry.” Ryo hated himself for giving in again. But in the end he knew it wasn’t Jun who had done something bad to him. He was here to help him, and it was probably wrong to act like this towards him.
Jun just nodded once and closed the door behind him. It was like interacting with a child, but it was more dangerous. Jun walked back to his room. He needed to think about everything. Right now he didn’t know how to help Ryo. He knew that the other would never, never let someone else step into his life. It was a miracle that he hadn’t pushed Jun away like he thought Ryo would.
Jun opened the small book he had on his table. For weeks he had noted Ryo’s attitude and the things he realized while watching him. Jun revisited older entries he had made some time ago.
I realize what he is doing in his room. How shall I act now? I can’t tell him directly that I know, because I am afraid that he will run away from me when I do. And in the end I want to rescue him and not push him deeper into trouble. I want to know why he turned out like this? What the hell happened to my Ryo?
Jun sighed. He was still asking himself these questions. At least Ryo knew that Jun knew, but it didn’t change the fact that Jun had no idea what to do. And he didn’t know what had happened to Ryo.
Jun tried to remember any kind of sign, any kind of change in Ryo’s behaviour. He tried to figure out when everything started to get strange. He had known Ryo for so long now. He never was an extreme extroverted character, but he wasn’t as closed as he was now. They often went out together, talked with each other, but somewhere everything changed.
Jun blinked. He tilted his head from left to right and back. He had something on his mind. A date – a memory he had forgotten until now. It was short time after they graduated from university. Ryo started working in his father’s business and Jun opened his own little fashion store. Till then they were normal flat mates and friends. But then Ryo got more and more closed. Jun remembered that Ryo never talked a lot about his family and the situation they were in, but since he worked in his father’s business Ryo started being like he was now.
Maybe it was just bad coincidence, but it looked like Jun had found his connection to Ryo’s behaviour. “What shall I do?” Jun whispered. He really started getting desperate. First he thought it wasn’t that bad, and Ryo was just in a bad mood, which would change. But it got worse every day. Jun tried hard to help him without telling him directly, but it wasn’t possible anymore. Maybe he should confront him again with all the things he recognized. Maybe he should tell him what exactly Ryo meant to him, and that he wouldn’t go that easily.
Jun smiled. What was he thinking? He and Ryo? They were friends and for now Ryo had other problems without thinking about Jun.
Jun decided to let the other alone for awhile. He needed to force Ryo here and there, but he was sure that he had to think about exactly when and where he should put more pressure on Ryo. Jun knew it could turn into Ryo fleeing and hiding somewhere, and he knew he’d go insane if that happened.
Jun cleaned the kitchen to prevent himself of running back into Ryo’s room, watching every step he made. But two hours later he knocked on the other’s door. When there was no answer Jun got nervous. He slowly opened the door and slipped into the room.
He saw Ryo lying on the bed, coiled up. His heart beat got slower again. Ryo was just sleeping. He could hear his breathing. Jun took the plates from the ground and started cleaning the mess Ryo had created. He tiptoed around and collected the bread and the pieces of glass around there.
Ryo was moving in his bed. Jun looked up, but the other was still sleeping. He didn’t want to wake him up, because Ryo was finally asleep and he looked calm and content at this moment, even though he probably wasn’t.
Jun crept outside, trying to be as silent as possible.
“Jun.”
He stopped. Wasn’t Ryo sleeping anymore?
Jun turned around to look at him. Ryo’s eyes were small and tired, but he was awake. “I can’t prevent myself from doing something stupid. Please don’t leave.” Jun froze. Ryo was really asking for help and it sounded more honest than ever before.
“I will be back in one minute.” Jun smiled at him. He left the door open, but slipped outside to bring the tray into the kitchen. He needed to breathe in and out a few times to calm down. Maybe now Ryo was able to let someone help him. At least he asked for it.
When Jun came back to Ryo’s room he sat down next to him. “I am here, you can sleep now,” Jun said. Ryo just smiled sadly at him. He felt down and totally spent. Every tension seemed to dissolve. It was the first day in years he had off and the first day he didn’t fear getting used by some business man or his father.
He just could stay at home and no one would do something to him. It was the moment Ryo decided that he needed to change something. He felt how broken he was, how urgent it was to get out of there. When he woke up a few minutes before, he felt like he had to do something to himself. Ryo felt the need to feel pain again, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to get out of there.
When he saw how much Jun cared about him, he knew he had to do it for his own sake and partly also for Jun’s sake. Ryo couldn’t put into words what Jun was for him. Even though there was never something between them, he always had the feeling that they could be more if he hadn’t been so complicated.
But no matter how bad and dark Ryo’s days were, when he came home he felt safe and loved. It was the only place Ryo could imagine being happy. A short smile curled around Ryo’s lips when he smelled Jun’s scent next to him. This was the only thing he called familiar. The thing he called family – the thing he called being loved.
It was hours later when Ryo woke up. It was the first peaceful sleep he had in weeks. When he opened his eyes he saw Jun’s face right next to his. It was dark outside and the clock blinked the time – 2:30am.
Jun didn’t leave – not even for the night. Ryo scanned his face. He saw the small wrinkles around his forehead. He looked worried. Was it because of him?
Ryo didn’t dare move. He wanted to look at Jun forever, he wanted to memorize this moment for later on. He wondered why Jun never left him during the last few years. It must have been a nightmare living with him. And Ryo was sure that Jun knew what he was doing ever since he started it.
“Is everything okay?” Ryo winced. Jun opened his eyes and looked directly at him. Ryo’s cheeks flushed. Jun was awake – he realized that Ryo was looking at him. He felt caught.
“Yes, I think so.” Ryo’s voice was husky.
“It’s because of your father, right?” Jun needed to know what was going on. His heart beat faster when he asked Ryo about it. Maybe it wasn’t the perfect time, maybe it was too soon, but Jun was sure that the perfect moment would never come when it was about this topic.
“Jun, I can’t...,” Ryo started.
“Sure, sure. Just talk to me when you are able to, okay?” Jun interrupted.
“I will,” Ryo started smiling. He treasured that Jun didn’t force him to talk to him right now. He couldn’t open up to someone else right now. It wasn’t only that he was afraid of doing so, it was also that he felt ashamed of what he did and what others did to him. Partly he was sure that it was his fault, and he couldn’t talk about it.
Jun brushed over the bandage on Ryo’s hand. He pulled his arm away when he felt the wound hurting. “Shall I clean it? It seems the wound got infected.”
Ryo just nodded. He never showed anyone these parts of his body, but he trusted Jun. He knew Jun wouldn’t laugh or yell at him. He would be sad, but he’d never hurt him. Jun crept out of the bed and came back with his first aid kit and a bottle of rubbing alcohol.
Jun sat down and put Ryo’s hands in his lap and started undoing the bandage. Jun’s heart was beating faster when he saw all the small scars on Ryo’s arm. Some of them were older, some were still bleeding and some looked horrible. “Ryo…” Jun whispered. He knew it was bad, but to see it made it worse for Jun.
“I am sorry.” Ryo looked at his own hand. He bit his lips nervously. He waited for Jun to get mad and start yelling, but he didn’t. Ryo felt something on his wounds. It burnt like hell. But the cream Jun added made it stop again. Jun took care of every single wound on Ryo’s arm before he bandaged them again and started on the other hand.
“Do you have any other wounds to clean?” Ryo could hear the worry in Jun’s voice. He hoped that there wouldn’t be any other scars on his body. Ryo thought of showing Jun the bruises on his hips and thighs.
He was sure Jun would immediately know what had happened, even though he wouldn’t know any details. He sat up and brushed away his shirt. He looked at Jun, who closed his eyes for some moments before he looked at him. “I will care for them,” he said.
Ryo knew what he meant with that. He didn’t mean about the wounds only. He meant that he’d care for him as a person. With every second Ryo got more confident about his decision to let Jun help him.
Ryo could now see his own bruises. They grew bigger and dark black and blue during the last few hours. He shivered when he remembered that man touching him. And he didn’t even want to think about his father.
Jun’s hand on his hips felt soft and gentle. Ryo closed his eyes to remember it. It was a warm feeling in him. Maybe he should have taken the chance to talk with Jun much earlier. Maybe all the pain he caused himself wouldn’t have started back then.
Ryo sat up when Jun was done and removed his pants. Of course it was a strange feeling. He felt naked, even though he wasn’t, and he felt ashamed, even though dozens of strangers had seen him totally unclothed. But it was Jun, and all the bruises and wounds made him feel embarrassed. Ryo started thinking about the fault again. Was it his fault that all this happened? Maybe there was a chance that he could have prevented it, but in the end he was too stupid to do so.
Jun swallowed hard. He knew what these bruises told him, but he didn’t want to think about it. “Is it okay to touch your inner thigh?” The question sounded stupid to Jun, but he didn’t want to touch Ryo without permission. He knew he needed to be careful. He never wanted to hurt him, nor did he want him to feel like Jun wanted something bad.
“It is,” Ryo simply answered. He let Jun help him before he put his clothes on again. “I am sorry again,” Ryo said after he lay down again.
“No need to apologize, but please…,” Jun didn’t want to repeat it again and again, because he didn’t want to annoy the other.
“I know, I won’t,” Ryo smiled. Jun’s heart jumped at that. It wasn’t only a sad smile. There was some hope in it, and Jun was sure that he was thankful that someone realized what was going on.
~~~
Jun woke up when he heard Ryo talking with someone on his phone. He didn’t say anything, because he wanted to listen to what the other was saying.
“I can’t, I am sick. No, Sir, I am really chained to the bed.” Ryo nibbled on his lower lip. Jun could see that he was nervous. He immediately knew that Ryo was talking with his father.
If Jun was right with his theory, it must have been hard for Ryo to talk with him right now. He stood up and stepped behind Ryo, who bounced up and down. “What do you mean?” Ryo asked.
Jun wanted to know what Ryo’s father was saying, but he couldn’t hear his voice. “But I need the job.” Jun closed his eyes. Without thinking he wrapped his arms around Ryo’s waist and pulled him a little closer.
“Useless?” Ryo’s voice broke. Jun leaned closer to Ryo, and put his head on Ryo’s. Now he could hear the man screaming.
Jun had enough. He pulled Ryo’s arm and took the phone out of his hand. “I guess there is someone else useless here, but I won’t discuss it with you. Just let me tell you that your son won’t come back to your business. He has something else now, and he doesn’t need your money anymore.” With that Jun hung up.
Ryo looked at him, his mouth wide open. “Jun, are you nuts? I need this job.”
“No, you don’t, because that job is making you kill yourself. Everything is his fault, isn’t it? You don’t need it, Ryo.” Jun stepped closer. Ryo closed his eyes when he saw Jun raising his hand. He thought the other would go and hit him right at this moment, but when Jun only brushed his cheek, Ryo was calm again. “I promised to take care of you, right? I don’t know exactly what happened to you, but I am not stupid. This job and your father are the reasons, aren’t they?”
Ryo only nodded. Tears were running down his cheeks, and everything got blurred around him. It was the first time in years he was able to really cry, to let out everything he felt. Finally he was able to let go. All the tension broke down in this one instant.
“I won’t let you go back there, you know.” Jun wrapped his arms around Ryo again and pulled him closer. “Even though you aren’t telling me what exactly happened, I am sure there is a connection to your father and his business, am I right?”
Ryo just nodded at him. “See, I am not stupid. I will help you, okay? I am here.” Jun took Ryo’s head in his hands and wiped away the tears from his cheeks.
Ryo nodded again. His doubts about crying for help faded away. When Jun bent forward and placed a single kiss on his lips, he let him. “We’ll manage it, okay?”
Jun didn’t count on an answer, but when he realized that Ryo’s walls were totally breaking down he just held him close and cared for him. He let him cry and yell out the pain he had carried inside himself for so long. Jun didn’t count on any explanation, but hours later Ryo started talking. He talked quickly and with every sentence he seemed to get more frantic and started talking much quicker, but Jun let him. He didn’t even interrupt him to ask snything.
He was shocked at how many things he had missed while living with Ryo. Maybe he should have done something much sooner, but it wasn’t time to think about that right now. There was much that Jun had to hear that night, but he was incredibly glad that Ryo opened up before everything was too late. He let Ryo finish his story before he embraced him and told him again, that they’d manage it together.
“This kiss is for the future. With it we erase the past. At least we can start with it, okay?” Jun said. Ryo nodded at him and closed his eyes when he felt Jun’s lips on his. Erasing ll that had happened wouldn’t be easy, but with help he’d manage it, he knew.
Months later
Ryo was lying on his bed. The radio was turned on. He knew he had some time left till he had go to the therapy. He froze when he heard a well-known voice.
Ave Maria
Gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Maria, gratia plena
Ave, ave dom….
He turned it off. That was his past and not his future.
no subject
Date: 2015-02-02 06:21 am (UTC)Thank you 4 sharing this beautiful fic. This is lovely. I miss this kind of story ^_^ so overwhelming. How can a father do that to his own blood? Is there no humanity in his life? Pity for the father. I'm so glad that Jun is there watching over Ryo *relieved*
Nice fic n thank you for sharing =)
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Date: 2015-03-01 11:30 am (UTC)I am glad you liked it, thanks sooo much for reading and commenting.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2015-02-05 02:04 pm (UTC)Thank you for sharing this one ^^
no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 11:28 am (UTC)I am really glad you left a comment :D Thanks
no subject
Date: 2015-11-13 01:07 pm (UTC)I still love it. Just like the first time I read. The depth of the story is beautiful. It's so sad and crushing and Ryo's feelings are such an up and down (and mostly down, out of obvious reasons) but Jun is there, and helping and being patient. I love how he treated Ryo and how he was patient, and also scared that Ryo would run from him the moment he realizes that Jun knows.
I'm so glad that in the end Jun could help Ryo and Ryo managed to escape from his father. It's not a bubbly ending, but it's bittersweet and with lots of hope. That's beautiful <3
Thanks so much for writing this!! <3
no subject
Date: 2015-11-13 05:04 pm (UTC)Yeah, it's not a happy end, but a light at the end of the tunnel ^^
Thanks again for reading and coming to leave a comment ^^